


Fears Long Past

by samariumwriting



Category: Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Bathing/Washing, Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship, Flashbacks, Fluff, Gender Dysphoria, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Canon, Trans Dedue Molinaro, Trans Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-15
Updated: 2021-02-15
Packaged: 2021-03-17 08:40:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,171
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29468841
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/samariumwriting/pseuds/samariumwriting
Summary: As they spend an evening together, Dimitri is reminded of the past between him and Dedue. It hasn't always been easy, but looking back on the fears of years gone by reminds him of just how far they've both come, both within themselves and together.
Relationships: Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd/Dedue Molinaro
Comments: 5
Kudos: 14





	Fears Long Past

**Author's Note:**

> This piece was written for @CHERISHEDZINE, the Dimidue zine! It was an absolute pleasure to be a part of this and I'm so happy I got to write such a rad fic for this pair.
> 
> Please be warned that there are descriptions of and references to dysphoria in this fic, as well as mentions of misgendering. It's all in the past, but take care of yourself!

The fireplace in the bedroom Dimitri shared with his husband burned low by the time he pulled himself away from his office. The room was warm, but not quite warm enough, so he was glad to join Dedue on the sofa in front of the fire.

“Good evening, love,” Dimitri greeted, practically slumping into the cushions at Dedue’s side. His back and shoulders ached from spending his whole day at his desk writing letters on all manner of issues.

“I would say it’s closer to goodnight than good evening,” Dedue replied, and Dimitri felt more than heard the soft chuckle that moved from his husband’s chest. “You seem tense, Dimitri.”

“Hm? I suppose I am.” It wasn’t really surprising that Dedue had noticed; he’d been good at reading him from almost the moment they met, and they’d known each other for upwards of two decades. Ten years of marriage couldn’t help but put him in tune with the minutiae of Dimitri’s feelings.

As Dimitri spoke, Dedue moved, leaning closer into his side. He was warm, and Dimitri let out a soft sigh of contentment. After a moment, Dedue laid his head on Dimitri’s shoulder. It was a nice feeling; comforting, grounding. Even so, after a few minutes Dimitri found his shoulder going stiff, and he shifted in an attempt to get more comfortable.

Unsurprisingly, Dedue noticed. “I’ll prepare a bath for you,” he suggested, already moving to stand. “Wait here. I’ll tell you when the water’s warm enough.”

Dimitri shook his head fervently, standing alongside him. “I’ll only take a bath if you’ll join me - you’ve worked just as hard as I today.” He knew it was the truth; Dedue may not work at a desk like he did, but Dimitri doubted he’d spent much time seated that day with everything he had to do. His aches only came from a different source.

Dedue relented with a soft smile. “I’ll allow that.”

* * *

The visible wounds of the Tragedy healed slowly, and Dimitri still found moving painful weeks afterwards. Turning, reaching his back… that was an impossibility. So while he’d been hesitant to let someone see him without clothes, it was inevitable that he needed help.

Dedue was patient with him. He granted Dimitri as much privacy as possible and averted his eyes when he could. Dimitri still didn’t want him to see, though, so when Dedue came to bring a sponge to his wounds, Dimitri couldn’t help but jerk away.

“I hate my body,” Dimitri said, knees pulled up to his chest. The water was warm, but he felt cold seeing his thighs, being unable to ignore his chest. Even the way his too-high voice echoed around the bathroom stung far deeper than the feeling of water touching his wounds.

“I understand,” Dedue replied. He’d told Dimitri of his own feelings a few times, so he knew the reassurance wasn’t empty. Dedue said he was ill at ease in his own skin, detested the way his body seemed to change more with every passing day.

Dedue poured another jug of warm water over his head, giving Dimitri a convenient excuse to squeeze his eyes shut and focus solely on the feeling of water running over his not-broad-enough shoulders. There was hesitation in his voice as Dedue continued. “I think...I hope the feeling will lessen with time.”

“I don’t think I could bear it if it doesn’t,” he agreed.

* * *

Dimitri’s eyes fluttered closed as Dedue finished pouring water down his back. He leaned into the warmth of his husband’s chest. “The positions have changed a little, but this reminds me rather a lot of when you used to bathe me,” he said.

“How so?” Dedue asked, his hands moving to comb through Dimitri’s now-wet hair. Dimitri pushed backwards into his touch, relishing the feeling of his warm fingers gently brushing his scalp.

“It’s mostly that...you were right,” he replied. “Things are easier now. Even if aspects of myself remain that I cannot stand, it’s easier to accept them knowing you love me regardless.”

“I feel the same,” Dedue said, and Dimitri could hear the smile in his voice. “There are many things I cannot help but wish were different, but you make it easier to come to terms with those things I cannot change.”

Slowly, Dimitri turned around in the bath, straddling Dedue’s lap and leaning in for a kiss. “I hope you know that I love every inch of your body,” he said when he pulled away, feeling warmth grow in his chest at the sight of Dedue’s wide smile. “I cannot ask you to love it yourself, but I’m happy to do that for you.” In lieu of a reply, Dedue leaned in for another kiss.

* * *

“No, uncle, I mean I’m a  _ boy _ ,” he emphasised. In the past, the words would have caught in his throat, unable to surface. But with Dedue beside him, he felt a little stronger. “Like Felix.”

“I’m sorry, your Highness,” the regent replied. His face was filled with that emotion close to sadness but somehow yet closer to anger, the way he always looked when he was thinking about his brother. “I cannot consent to you making such...changes when you can’t be certain your feelings will hold true. What would your father have wanted?”

Dimitri thought about his father’s face in the nightmares that were beginning to leak into the cold corners of the waking world. His heart sank in his chest. He knew his father didn’t care about this. He knew his father loved his little princess. He moved to apologise, to accept the rejection, but then Dedue’s hand squeezed his. Dimitri sucked in a deep breath and opened his mouth again.

“My family would want me to honour them,” Dimitri replied firmly, though his voice wavered a little as he spoke. “So I will do so as myself, rather than mourning them as a mere shadow.”

It had nothing to do with what his father wanted for him. All his father cared about was revenge; whether Dimitri fulfilled that as a man or a woman didn’t matter. But at the same time...this was important. It was important enough that Dedue had taken him through each step he needed to for this conversation. It was important enough that Dimitri cared, even through the hollow feeling that ate at his every movement.

* * *

The fire burning in the grate kept them both warm as they climbed out of the bath. “Have I mentioned recently how much you meant to me back then?” Dimitri asked, reaching for a towel. When Dedue looked at him questioningly, he lifted himself onto his tiptoes and rubbed the towel against Dedue’s hair.

When he pulled away, there was a fond smile on his husband’s face. “You’ve mentioned it once or twice, yes,” he replied. Dimitri laughed, knowing the number must be closer to one or two hundred. “Why are you thinking about it now?”

“I felt so alone,” Dimitri said, drying off his own body. The sight of it no longer made his limbs go cold and stiff, and when Dedue gently dried off his legs he didn’t flinch away. “There was no one like me- like us- anywhere nearby. But you always understood; you knew exactly what to do when I despaired over myself.”

“I was much the same,” Dedue said, a light note of amusement entering his voice. “I am...glad that’s how you felt. At the time, it seemed as if nothing I could say or do would make even an ounce of difference.”

“Not at all,” Dimitri said firmly. “By contrast, I always felt as if I was the one failing you.”

“Never,” Dedue replied, his tone just as assured as he placed the towels back next to the fire to dry and picked up their nightshirts. Dimitri would admit to eagerly watching the gentle ripple of his muscles as Dedue raised his arms over his head to dress himself; Dedue would do the same in return, he was sure.

The fire was burnt ever lower as they headed back into their bedroom. They both sat down on the edge of the bed, and Dimitri lit a candle on their bedside table to begin the final part of their now very familiar nighttime routine.

* * *

“Are you alright, Dedue?” Dimitri asked. He kept his voice soft in the darkness, though he knew there was no one around to hear them. As crown prince, he felt he was always being watched, but now they were finally alone. It was late, and the fire had burned down to nothing. He didn’t quite know when; the last he remembered, it was early afternoon.

What he did know was that Dedue’s form under the blankets next to him was shaking. He hadn’t heard a sound, so he knew Dedue was trying to hide it, but… “No,” Dedue replied. His voice sounded far too small in such a large room.

“What’s the matter?” Dimitri asked, shifting under the covers to get closer to him. His hands found Dedue’s in the darkness, and he squeezed them as Dedue took in a shaky breath to reply.

“I fear that...even many years in the future, people will still see me as a woman of Duscur,” he admitted. Dimitri’s mind recalled an exchange he’d had that morning - a young boy, perhaps the child of one of the stable staff, had asked Dedue if he was ‘the lady from Duscur.’

“I tried to correct him,” Dimitri said, but he knew that wasn’t what Dedue meant. Both of them could correct others as much as they liked, but it would never replace the feeling of just being seen for who they were.

“It’s how they know me,” Dedue said, and he sounded so resigned it made Dimitri ache right to his core. “I just want them to see  _ me _ .” It wasn’t often that Dedue sounded frustrated; he wasn’t only thinking of the boy who’d heard the wrong piece of information.

“Dedue?” Dimitri gently lifted Dedue’s hands in his, prompting him to look up into his eyes in the darkness.

“What is it, your Highness?”

“One day,” his voice wavered a little with the strength of his conviction, “no one in the whole of Fódlan will talk about you that way. I promise.” He didn’t know if he would ever have the power to change the way people saw Dedue - he didn’t even know if he’d be able to change the way they saw  _ him _ .

But he would do everything in his power to make sure Dedue would one day never even have to think about this kind of suffering. Of that, he was absolutely certain.

Dedue nodded, but he didn’t look any happier. Instead, his hands found the front of Dimitri’s shirt, and he held on tightly as silent sobs wracked his body over and over. Seeing his sorrow hurt Dimitri down to the tips of his fingers, but he’d done everything he could for now.

He looped his arms around Dedue’s back and pulled him close. It was a poor salve for months of suffering that threatened to stretch into years, but it was something. Eventually, Dedue’s breathing eased, and they managed to drift off into an uneasy sleep.

* * *

“A lot has changed since back then,” Dimitri mused, running a comb through Dedue’s hair. It was still so soft, more so now he’d grown it out, and its strands didn’t quite show age the same way Dimitri’s greying temples did. “I don’t think either of us could have known what waited beyond struggling to be called by our names.”

“Not all the changes were bad,” Dedue reminded him, turning to pluck the comb from Dimitri’s hand and place it on the bedside table. “And those trials are over now.”

“You’re right, of course,” Dimitri said with a smile, leaning in to kiss Dedue briefly before they both laid down. “In comparison to what we’ve already accomplished, those problems seem so much smaller. And now we have the rest of our lives to work on them.”

“I don’t think we need to work on them,” Dedue said, turning over to face Dimitri. In the candlelight, his eyes glowed with affection. Dimitri felt a smile form on his face to mirror Dedue’s soft, loving one. “You already delivered on your promise to me from back then. I am proud to hear others speak of me as a man of Duscur.”

“I’ll continue to deliver on it for all the years to come,” Dimitri promised, lifting Dedue’s hands in his own just as he had done so many times before. He watched as the gold of Dedue’s wedding band caught the candlelight before he blew it out and left them both in darkness.

This time, however, the darkness wasn’t the place they shared insecurities or quelled tears. Now, Dimitri could wrap his arms around Dedue and fall asleep to his steady breathing with the knowledge that the worst was behind them and the future was bright.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! If you enjoyed, please consider leaving a kudos or a comment.
> 
> I also have a twitter [@samariumwriting](https://twitter.com/samariumwriting), where I talk about fic (amongst other things) and I also have a Dimidue longfic starting this week!! Additionally, there is a twitter promo post for this fic [here](https://twitter.com/samariumwriting/status/1361387202895314950?s=20), so if you enjoyed this fic it'd be rad if you gave it a retweet.


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